HOW TO SLIP UNDER IRS RADAR

by Marty Goldensohn

It’s tax season yet again. I am busy screaming, so I will cede this space to my accountant, Lenny. Lenny says that some deductions are red flags to the IRS, so heed his LI-kelihood of Audit Ratings (LIAR).

Home Office. With home offices flourishing around the country, the IRS is stricter than ever about deducting part of your housing expense. To be safe, follow this rule of thumb: Don’t leave the house. It raises the suspicion you work elsewhere.

If you did leave the house for any reason during calendar year 1997, do not claim a home office. If you can prove that you stayed inside all year, claim the one room you utilized most, but not the kitchen even though that’s the truth. If you claim to have stayed inside all year, do not take the automobile deduction.

Rating: LIAR 10. They can see your nose growing.

Automobile Deduction. Rule Number 1: Never deduct your commute.

"Everybody commutes," explains Lenny. "If the government allowed this write-off, they wouldn’t have two F-16s to rub together."

However, if you take a detour to the dentist on the way to work, that’s deductible. But don’t push your luck. In a celebrated case, the IRS disallowed a mileage deduction of noted Harvard ethicist Wilhelm Skenk. He regularly drove to the "What Is A Lie?" symposium convened on a Cape Cod sand flat. The IRS ruled that while the registration fee—a bucket of clams—was a legitimate expense, twelve side trips to the nightlife mecca of Provincetown for terrier Kant’s tooth polishing was not. Mrs. Skenk didn’t buy the story either.

Rating: LIAR 9. Equal to solemn promise of Saddam Hussein.

Home Improvement. If, during calendar year 1997, you made any modifications to your home on the advice of a doctor, such as a ramp or railing, you can deduct 50 percent of the difference between the increased value of the domicile and the cost of the improvement. This deduction is disallowed if the doctor isn’t living with you or using the ramp for golf-putting practice on a regular basis (defined as more than once a month).

Seniors should remember that the IRS views railings attached to mirrored walls as ballet barres, so make sure you have a valid prescription; otherwise, claim it as a dual-use "mother-daughter orthopedic barre," which is 25 percent deductible.

Rating: LIAR 6. Shaky ground.

Tax Credits for Children. In an effort to discourage overuse, the standard deduction for children named Michael and Jennifer was removed in 1985. This year, the IRS has quietly restored the full deduction. However, it will be denied if there are siblings in the house named Tiffany or Andrew. Always consult the IRS before naming a child!

Rating: LIAR 5. Like catching you with your fingers crossed behind your back.

Scholars should be aware that socks can be deductible if they are tight enough to be considered support hose and are necessary to keep you standing during lectures. If you decide to foot this deduction, claim at least seven pairs. The government is suspicious of professors who change their socks infrequently, and your close associates will appreciate the larger purchase as well.

Rating: LIAR 4. Piece of cake.

Architects, planners, and real estate professionals who live in suburban areas can now deduct walking as a legitimate expense. The IRS has lost a ruling to Rutgers Professor Irving Fistle, who deducted 58 cents for strolling two miles to a convenience store "to get a feel for the neighborhood."

"The automobile is the standard suburban mode of transportation for any travel outside the home," the court asserted. "Walking has become the legitimate province of professionals."

Rating: LIAR 3. Crossing the street is riskier.

Good luck at your audit!

Marty Goldensohn is a freelance satirist and a reporter for public radio. He lives in Ridgewood, New Jersey.

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